I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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