I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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