Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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