so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
