She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize