Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
