it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Say something about gay babies.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
