Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
