my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
