I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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