i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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