woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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