Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
