whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i now understand why vodka
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
