We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize