Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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