just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
