You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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