Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
