Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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