Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
