I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
