i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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