Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
