Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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