Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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