apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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