eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
