it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize