do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize