I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
