Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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