Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
