Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
