Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
