I wish I could teleport
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
