If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
