I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
