wakey wakey hands off snakey
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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