turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
