Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
