goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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