I need to stop coming to work sober
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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