i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
