If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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