hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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