Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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