When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
