So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
