Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
