i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
