some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
