a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
