He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
