they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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