i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
