when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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